Sleeping through church

So it rained all weekend. The rain kind of reflects my mood. It makes me want to write poetry and be wet. It makes me want to curl up in front of a fireplace with hot chocolate and a [boy] friend. It makes me want to dance, or do crazy things that defy normalcy. Rain makes life interesting. As does music. There's emotions dancing in my soul that I haven't felt in a long time, that I don't want to feel. Some things people say they have no right to say, because I never shared all my secrets. You never knew the whole story, so you really can't say my motives. And some people are too stubborn to see past their own barriers, the ones that are only in their mind. I'm tired. I don't want to think anymore. I just want to be. I want to dance, I want to laugh. I want all my worries and my jealousy to go away. I need to get out.
On another note, Bright Eyes was bloody amazing. That is about all I have to say on that subject, except now I have a minor unfortunate obsession with Conor Oberst. Oh well, it will wear off soon. "This is a song about being somewhere you're out of place. Like... flamingos... in West Edmonton Mall. Or... a pirate ship... in West Edmonton Mall. Or... me... walking around in West Edmonton Mall."
I have found my goal in life: to disprove what everyone else wants me to be. I'm tired of people [teachers] telling me to be a writer. I DON'T WANT TO BE A WRITER!!! Frick. I want to maybe get into med school, either med or vet med. Or maybe I don't want to go to university at all. Perhaps I will go to Bible school and then be a housewife the rest of my life. What would everyone say to that, eh? Perhaps I will live on the street. I don't want to do what everyone expects me to do. I just want to be me. Why is that so hard?

It isn't what they want us to be...

I am neither black nor white. I am colorless and yet all colors, all shades of gray. I am there and then I am gone. In a flash, or a poof of smoke, or simple vanishment, I am not there. I am intrinsically simple, easily complicated.
I am the underworld.
Impossible to find, I welcome you as my children. I am your safe haven. I will never betray you, for to do so would be to betray myself. Everything is more than it seems in my eyes, and if you hurt me, I will kill you. I am the master of double plays, of backstabbing. I am your home and your life.
I am your darkness.
I live underground or above it, in back rooms or on front porches. I am invisible, always watching, always waiting. I live in forests or in cities, in caves or in subway systems. I am illegal yet entirely within the law.
I am the outcasts.
The people society has no place for, I take in with open arms. I always have more room. I am there if you need me, yet I need you more. I am impossible to escape from, for I am everywhere. I protect and I nurture. I cherish and I hold. I keep and I kill.
I am a secret.
I am expensive, I am a bargain store. I am whatever you need, for a price. Untameable and uncatchable, I operate on a need-to-know basis. And this, my dear, is all you need to know:
I am you.

We began with concluding remarks

I wrote this the other day, I want to put it to music, so, if anyone out there can write music, that would be greatly appreciated. And tell me what you think, I'm curious. If you recognize what it's about, don't say. Part of it is the secrecy.

You can call me crazy, but I don't mind
You can call me whatever you want
I don't care tonight
Can't ever stop thinking of this and what might have happened between us
Dark hair between your eyes
Your voice it cries
To me, just to stay with me
Never forget
The clothing in the closet and the blanket on the floor
All we wanted was more than this
Always remember the way that it used to be
And now we're here on the couch
With a pillow in between us
Hoping to keep us apart, while we're waiting
One step down, two steps up
Don't turn around
Don't look at what you should have had
Read my definition on this empty paper
I'll rewrite who I am, and where it comes from
Chasing the shadows down to the carpet
There's no regret
'Cause the part of me you never see
Behind my glistening eyes
It's a black dress, innocence
With dark skin and darker dreams
May be more than what it seems to you.

Wildcard of a pack of wildcards

I think there is a difference between disliking what somebody does, disapproving of their actions, so to speak, and judging them. I don't think of you any different, knowing what you did, but that doesn't mean I have to like that you did it. That's not judging you. I think you have a misconception about what judging is. I think judging is me telling you that you are going to hell for doing such and such, which may be what some people do say. Disagreeing isn't judging, no matter how you put it. You can accuse me of judging you because I disagree, but that's not fair to either of us. Having absolute morals and believing your actions are outside them isn't judging you. It's simply disagreeing. I was entitles to that. But I never judged you for doing what you did. I didn't like it, yes, but I still like you, and there's a difference.

The Dreamclub Murders

So after all, you needed more than a death-threat fall.
You needed more, and I let you fall.
Into the coffin with your floor-dropped jaw.
And I remember you aspiration, your dream to fit in.
But it's gone, and they're here.
So let's kill these felons now.
But I remember you, you'll go, you'll find a way back home.
But I remember you, when you stand there,
You stand with your eyes closed.
And I feel, tonight, that I let you die.
But you could have lived forever, it took smiles to keep you alive.
But heroes die, and so did mine.
But you go, and I stay, will it keep you at peace now.
But I remember you, you'll go, you'll find a way back home.
But I remember you, when you stand there,
You stand with your eyes closed.
And I'll dig you out, and I'll sit you up.
For the fools to find you, the fools breathe into you.
So sleep child no one can touch you now.
No one can hurt you now.
Not here.
Anymore.

-Dead Poetic

Dream

Fall in love/ get married
Have several children (8)
Learn to speak German fluently
Travel Europe, especially Germany, England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales
Grow old with my husband- together
Write books
Learn to play the bagpipes well
Fall asleep in someone's arms
Have a song written about me
Be given flowers (daffodils)
Play in HOOPLA
Sleep on a beach
Learn to survive on my own
Get a tattoo
Get quite lost while driving and really get to know the person with me
Ride in a hot-air balloon
Dance
Travel Australia
See the Boston Bruins win the Stanley Cup
Have a family like the Froese's
Have one brown eye and one blue eye

Jealousy

Spin me around, let me fall down
Wake up to your face and hands
Maybe when I wake I'll remember to forget you
If you close your eyes we might be okay
Don't look don't feel
Don't move
Don't open your eyes
Smile when you turn away
There's method in this murder
Survive until sunrise
When all your dreams hit the floor
Remember that I love you and I won't let go
There's method in my madness
Call me friend to forget me
Or forget to remember me
Don't react, hold yourself out of reach
But if you don't take chances you'll never learn a thing
So smile through your tears
'Cause we're all okay
And there's madness in my murder.

When you stand there you stand with your eyes closed

YOU are a miracle.


Don't ever doubt it.


Don't ever deny it.


You are worth so very much. If God cares about each sparrow, how much more does He care about you and me?

Amazing love, how can it be
That you my king should die for me
Amazing love, I know it's true
And it's my joy to honor you
In all I do, I'll honor you.

Real in a surreal setting

I LOVE MY FRIENDS.

Really. So much. All of you. Saturday was the hugest wake up call ever. And I wasn't even on the bus. I didn't even go. But at the pancake breakfast, when I heard about it, I was like "Oh God, they're dead. Please don't let them be dead." Remind me to listen to my premonitions more often. You have no idea what it's like to hear that 50 people you know, most of which are your friends, have been in an accident. So I was scared. And I decided I don't tell you I love you often enough. So I'm saying it now. I love you guys.

We can play for keeps or sunrise

So would you stay with me?